My experience with addictions has been like what follows.
I started acting out (to some form of visual simulation) when I was 12. Its been a constant cycle since that first time. I tried not to over indulge but was never able to. I was caught acting out by my neighbor and a couple friends but could not get myself to stop it even then. I manipulated my family using my studies as a reason and would make sure that i was alone with the T.V. in my room all the time. I would always fight with my brother to make sure he would not interfere with my plans too. I really wanted to stop all through my addiction but couldn't. I just kept telling my self that things were going to be okay soon. I always had a feeling that someone was watching me, I felt my future grandchildren had access to a time machine or some device that let them to visit the past. I now realize that they were hallucinations that were a part of the disease.
I hit my first rock bottom during my study holidays when I was 17. It was just before moving into a new home my family had constructed and was supposed to be a happy occasion. But for me it was a beginning of the worst binge I had, I didn't eat for three days and all I wanted to do was watch something raunchy on the T.V. and act out one last time. After that time I lost a lot of weight and took several weeks to recover but once I got healthier after a few months I continued with my old ways once again. I really wanted to put an end to the cycle but never did. Feeling of being lonely and not being misunderstood made me a loner during my engineering days. The cycles continued all through this time too. I constantly had this hope of someone helping me and understanding what I was going through. When I flunked in my internals and had 4 backs in my first semester the head of the department had a talk with me. He asked me what my problem was and asked me a question for which I had no answer at that time. He asked me why I was not able to study and told me that if one was an alcoholic, he would be on the streets. If one had a problem with money lenders he would be absconding. But since I didn't have any other bad habits he wondered as to why I didn't study. I could have answered his question honestly but did not admit to my problem because like always I thought I was going to control my urges in the future like always.
I somehow managed to stay clean for a while and got a job when I was 22. But found myself going through the same patterns of heavy masturbation followed by days of looking sick and getting healthier at work too. So I took to drinking because I thought I could get over one addiction with another, this was soon followed by cigeretes. Three years later I hit rock bottom because of alcoholism. I had quit my job and went on a senseless binge. This got me into A.A., where i learnt about binge, rock bottom and the causes and results of addiction. The fellowship Alcoholics Anonymous is named after the book. This is referred to as the "Big Book" and is the best guide for recovery from an addiction. The book is a result of years of struggle against alcohol by hundreds of men and women and their stories of courage and hope.
The book clearly emphasizes the need to work on the spiritual deterioration that is a direct consequence of years of battle against an addiction. I personally had lost all faith in my religion and only prayed God to stop cheating others. But I learnt that this was because of a disease that was fueled by my ego and loneliness.
I learnt the following facts in the many interactions I had with addicts
- Addiction is a disease that affects one at physical, mental and spiritual levels.
- Addiction is a lonely disease. Selfishness is a obvious consequence.
- Its a progressive disease. Guilt cycles and hopelessness ultimately lead to rock bottom.
- Binge - indulgence for a long time
- Rock Bottom is when you don't really know what else to do and become suicidal but can't kill yourself either.
- Will power is useless against stopping yourself.
- We develop a personality with which it is very difficult to be honest.
- We try talk about the problem with a professional but they don't seem to understand our problem. And the defiance and belligerence of an addict(a part of the disease in my opinion) don't allow one to .
- We live in constant denial which is a state of peril in reality.
I didn't really accept my problem with alcohol until my BP was high for a few weeks after my 2 month long binge and I thought my smoking and drinking days were over. Around this time I also went through the pains of serious heart burns as a result of the stomach problems I had developed due to heavy drinking for a few months. I didn't talk about this with anyone at home and went through the pains on my own and felt I deserved it. This is when I actually hit my rock bottom and began to take AA meetings seriously and heard others sharing of their struggle with alcohol.
Following the 12 steps and working with my sponsor is important from my recovery. Other than this I have to practice rigorous honesty to be able to recover.
I am a recovering porn/masturbation addict and a recovering alcoholic.
I heard this definition of health in one of the lectures I had attended, which was based on WHO's definition. It said "health is a state of well being at personal, family, professional, social and spiritual levels". But once one is a victim of an addiction one doesn't feel like he/she fits in anywhere. Addiction is a disease of the mind, body and soul. It's progressive. It's a disease that effects the whole family and bankrupts the addict in all aspects of his life.
